A while ago somewhere I don’t know when
I was watching a movie with a friend
I fell in love with the actress
She was playing a part that I could understand.
-Neil Young, A Man Needs a Maid
I think I need to be more mindful of the expectations I am unconsciously (and consciously) putting on others. I’ve written before about how I am not yet at a point where I am totally comfortable with emotional intimacy, and how I am not sure I will ever get to that point. I’ve also written about how much I value a shared cultural space when I look at a potential long-term partner. Recently, I realized that, just like I am critically writing off other potential partners that don’t have these qualities, I am looking for confirmation on the intentions and expectations of partners whom I see these qualities in.
It’s textbook confirmation bias. You see only what you want to see in someone. The words you hear them say are the ones that confirm what you want to think about them or their intentions. Every conversation you have with them, your ego is squarely in the way, waiting to hear just how perfectly perfect you and them align. And it’s not fair: you’re putting them in a position they can’t possibly fill, because their being is now inextricably tied to your expectations. You are setting yourself up to be disappointed when they inevitably fail to measure up, and you’re priming yourself to blame them for it.
One thing I have found since I have been in this community is the absolute value of honesty in communication. You need to be honest with your partner(s) with regards to what you are expecting, what can be reasonably expected of you, and what you are willing to be or do. For me, this has always been a work in progress (like any public servant, I’m a chronic soft-shoer after all), but I’m getting better at my own side of the equation. To avoid disappointment, I need to get better at tempering my own expectations with regards to others, and to let them be whatever they want to be for me.
The Shame Diaries 
Bros before hos
Disagree on the sidelines.
Fight for a fee, the man needs a maid.
The maid needs a maid.
Bros before hos is a rule, read the guidelines
You trouble me
Your breasts heave when you sing
Your mouth should be working for me for free.
Sewing up the fold ’cause I’ve been laid up,
Will you put on the fire for me,
Draw the bath and remind me to eat?
You won’t need a real job,
You won’t need a real job because I would love to pay for you,
You could be a good wife to me.
I would love to pay for you,
You are the maid for me.
-Emily Haines (the maid needs a maid)
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