I was informally reprimanded at work this week. My boss, a person I have immense gratitude and respect for, told me in no uncertain terms that my performance was slipping. I have told her that I struggle with compulsive behaviour, and that I am actively working through these issues. Although she doesn’t know the exact nature of what I am dealing with, I fear that she is beginning to suspect.
It was the first time a manager has actually frankly sat me down and commented on my performance, and it sucked. Big time. I have always tried to tell those who supervise me to be frank and honest in their feedback, and this was the first time that I got exactly what I asked for. It sucked, it was embarrassing, and my ego took a well-deserved hit. I would like to say that I didn’t see it coming, but I did. I knew I wasn’t holding up my end, and I didn’t really want to confront it.
It has not been a super easy week. My grandmother died on Sunday, and I have been struggling to really feel anything. It feels selfish not to think of her. It feels wrong, and I want to share some anecdotes of hers because she was an incredible lady, but right now I feel a little numb. I feel sad, sure. But more than sad, I feel like there is nothing of consequence in anything anymore. Everything is kind of a dull gray colour. There is not much to be excited about. It’s like reality is on mute. I broke off a new “relationship” with someone I thought was interesting because it just felt plain. My therapist mentioned that that sounds an awful lot like depression to him
I am posting this because I want to be accountable. Part of taking care of myself is remaining accountable to myself and to the people I have a personal and professional responsibility for. After the initial sting of being told I had been weighed on the scales and found wanting, I realized that I needed to look at this from a position of growth. I had asked for frankness, and I had received it. I had also received an opportunity to learn and improve, and with that opportunity, I had received the honest trust of a mentor to be better. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t say anything. I have seen those who don’t pull their weight, those who are treated with a mix of pity and disdain, those who are left to fester in the sidelines of their craft until retirement. I can’t keep looking away from the habits I have built if I want to dismantle them. I can’t disengage from this.
It’s interesting what you think you can get away with, and what you may choose to do when you are called on it. When someone questions the substance of your work, where do you reach back to? For my entire academic upbringing, I have been rewarded for talking pretty, writing pretty, thinking pretty. I was praised for trafficking in ideas and thoughts and frameworks, but never really asked to substantiate myself or my work. I don’t know; it seems we praise a lot of talk, but not enough substance, and I’m tired of it. I want my work to have substance. I want to develop my craft in a way that I have the respect of my peers and my boss. I want to take pride in what I do every day. Most importantly, I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel comfortable with what I did and what I am doing.
There is an anecdote about Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL (BUD/S) training, the training of the US Navy SEALs; famously difficult and unforgiving, and no man is there who does not choose to be there, all in, all of the time. Eric Greitens, the former SEAL officer and now-disgraced Republican Governor of Missouri shared in his book The Heart and the Fist. In it, he describes an instructor explaining the purpose of “Hell Week” to the SEAL trainees:
“Each one of you is like an earthen vessel — a beautiful piece of pottery — prettied up by your fathers and mothers and teachers with tender loving care. In a few days, Hell Week is going to begin, and we’re going to take every one of you out onto the grinder and we’re going to smash you on the ground, break you open, and we’re going to see what’s inside each of you. With many of you, we’ll find nothing. There’s just air. You are empty men without substance. For others, when you break we’re going to have to turn away from the smell, because you live in a weak culture that has allowed you to get by on charm and pretty talk and backslapping and you have practiced dishing manure for so long that it almost seeps out of your every pore, and now, that is what you are. For others, when we smash you, we’ll find inside a sword made of pure Damascus steel. And you are going to become Navy SEALs.”
For the longest time, I have been trying to look back to what Ionce thought I was, to gain back what I thought I had lost.Trying to reach back to a better time in order to re-light the spark inside. In order to feel excited and motivated again. Maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it. I have been prettied up and gussied up, and the time is right to break the exterior and see what’s inside. Maybe it’s time to break the vessel and see what’s inside, without fear, and without hesitation. The past is the past and memory is a crazy devil that helps keep us sane, but it won’t make me better or make me new. For that, I need to aspire and look to the future. Always front and always forward.
The Shame Diaries 